My Year of Adventurous Eating

Mo’ Buffalo: A Memoir May 6, 2011

Filed under: Next! — PhobicFoodie @ 3:24 pm

It’s time to have a little heart-to-heart with you. 

I have some very serious subject matter to discuss that is just weighing on me.

Let’s.  Talk.  Buffalo.

My aversion to buffalo began with a rule.  The Rule *bum-bum-BUUUUUMMMMMM!*

It’s a rule about animals, and more specifically about which animals I will and will not eat.  And here it is:

I won’t eat anything with more than four legs, or less than two legs.

It’s not an unreasonable rule, I don’t think.  It’s fair.  It makes sense.  Fish and eels and snakes, with no legs at all, have far too few.  Crabs and lobsters and cephalopods, with eight legs, have far too many (about two times too many *harhar*).  Insects, also too many.  And I’m not real keen on the whole exoskeleton thing either.  Not Down With The Exoskeleton.

But…but…you say…but buffalo have four legs.  As do frogs, and kangaroos, and dogsandcatsandzebrasandelephants….and ducks and geese have two legs.  Does that mean you’ll eat duck and goose?  I thought you said you don’t eat duck and goose…

Yes, ok, I realize all this.  But if you look closely at all the subsections and addendums and the fine print at the bottom of the page, you will find that what the Rule really says is this:

I won’t eat any animal that isn’t chicken, turkey, beef or pork.

There I said it.

But…but buffalo is delicious!

Ahem.  So they tell me.

It tastes just like beef!

Well then, look, how’s about if I just eat some more beef and pretend it’s buffalo?

It’s better for you because it’s leaner!

I…I….I don’t know what to say to that.

*Spoiler alertgross content entirely unsuitable to a food blog ahead.  Ignore the following parenthetical phrase if you are squeamish.*

(All I know is that I once held a severed human foot in my hands, and the one thought that ran coherently through my fuzzy brain was “Gosh, human muscle looks just like buffalo meat.”  There it is.  Do you still want to go eat buffalo with me?  Working in healthcare has ruined sooo many things for me….but it’s worth it though.  Honestly, it is.)

So, now I am going to break The Rule.  My rule.  The rule that has thus far governed almost all of my gastronomic decisions and has impacted the path of my life in so many ways, and which explains the presence of most of the foods on the list for this project.

I pretended to be a vegetarian in Hawaii so I wouldn’t have to eat the seafood (of course, that meant I also missed out on the pig roast.  One of the great tragedies of my life, really.  I lo-o-o-ove pig.  Particularly when it’s roasted!)

In fact, I played vegetarian for about 8 months, at which point I just couldn’t say no to another one of my mom and dad’s delicious, fresh, grilled steak-o’-grass-fed beef!  I also couldn’t resist the bacon, and it seemed hypocritical to avoid all meat except those crispy, crunchy, greasy brown strips.

I am not a vegetarian, so don’t let me try to pull that one over on you come next Friday the 13th!

(Speaking of which, anyone want to come over and watch “Friday the 13th” after dinner next week?  I’ve never seen it, and I think I probably should.  It could be a whole evening of new and exciting experiences!  Post me a comment if you want to…I’ll provide the popcorn!)

Anyways, I’m working on getting all amped up to try it.  Better pick me out a place soon though!  Time’s runnin’ low!


2 Responses to “Mo’ Buffalo: A Memoir”

  1. theresa Says:

    hey lana –

    count paul and i in for the buff dinner! but we are going to pass on watching friday the 13th. i’ve seen it a long time ago. it’s a good thing too since i’m not allowed to watch scary movies anymore. what can we contribute to dinner?


    • PhobicFoodie Says:

      Hey–The plan is to have dinner at a restaurant. I was hoping to have a few more recommendations…right now the only place on the list is in Idaho Springs. It looks awesome, but we’ll probably want to carpool…unless you have a suggestion for a place in Boulder! Keep your eyes open, I’m planning on announcing the location on Wednesday. I’m excited you guys are coming! 🙂

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